I can’t be friends with people who double park

A blogger’s foray into one of the things in life, which makes him want to HULK SMASH! Ahem.

As this is something which I was acutely reminded of today, I -hate- when people double park their cars. It sets me off like few things can, and in a remarkably short period of time. There are certain friends of mine, who can confirm some of the absurdly irrational and yet immensely gratifying responses I have issued to this blatant display of douchebaggery.

Why do people do it? It’s usually because they think that they are either: really important, which, new flash, they’re not! Or, they think that their cars are so precious, that life would end if some klutz opened their own car door into it. Guess what people? You are in a grocery store parking lot in the American Midwest. You’re not that important, and your car isn’t the Hope Diamond. Get over it.

I’m sure some would misconstrue my rant, as some attack on vanity and having nice cars. I actually like cars a lot. Especially classic or rare cars. If I had the money, I would probably be driving around in a DeLorean right now, screaming “88 miles per hour” out the window. But even if I had a cool car, I would never feel that I was better than someone else who was driving a Honda, or a Toyota, or whatever else, to get their supermarket fix. I mean honestly, what kind of ego do these people have? Do they think that they deserve to take up the space of two people on an elevator? That they should get to occupy two places in line? That they should get to claim two seats for their one ass in a movie theater?

On top of double parking, which instills a great sense of rage within me, I am also consistently driven mad by the driving habits of Americans in parking lots. When you put the average driver in a parking lot, it’s as though they completely forget the concept of lanes. They’ll drive across all of the parking spaces. If they actually do drive between them, it is often on the wrong side. You never know where they are going to stop or where they are going to come flying in from next. I really just want to take every person who does this by the head and say, “did you forget EVERYTHING you were doing on the roadway? How would you feel if you saw someone drive like you just did, only on the highway?” Wait, scratch that, some people DO think it is okay to just drive across multiple lanes without stopping… or they think you are supposed to pass on the right. I facepalm every time someone refers to the right lane on a highway as the passing lane.

If this rant has any definitive moral and/or point, it is this: don’t be an asshole. Use one parking space, and save that other spot for someone who might actually end up needing it. Also, stop treating the mall parking lot like your own personal world of driving rules.

Put simply, if you double park or drive like a douche, we can’t be friends.



  1. This is awesome and I 99.9% agree. 0.01% of me drives across lanes of parking lots in cases where the lot is empty….sorry.

  2. I guess that I can offer your 0.01% a modicum of forgiveness, in those instances where no one else is around.

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