Gender equality and sexuality, part two

A continuation of my thoughts and musings on the nature of gender, as well as human sexuality, as seen from a very personal level.

It’s probably no big surprise that I am writing a sequel to my previous post on gender equality and human sexuality, as they are extremely broad subjects that are difficult to cover the gamut of in just one post. However, as it seems to happen with most posts that I make, very recent events in life have inspired me to write more about this topic.

A convention at which I attended recently, presented me with a stark reminder of several things. First and foremost: how absolutely helpless I am in social functions, especially ones where most or all of the attendees are people who I do not know. Now, I usually do just fine at comic-cons, Star Trek conventions, and other such related spectacles, but in “big event” gatherings that fall outside of my area of interest, ones that are more like large-scale parties where everyone knows everybody, I am a total fish out of water. Aside from the grocery store or the mall, it’s an introvert’s worst nightmare.

The second bullet point: I am challenged to uphold the ideal I declared myself to be following, in the post I made just days ago. That is, that I was going to stop reacting to the hurt and grief inflicted by the dissolution of my long term, near-marriage relationship. And that, because of said resolution, my brief and more-harm-than-good foray into sexual promiscuity was being abolished. To put it in a less pretentious way, I promised myself that I was reverting back to my older, more “conservative” stance with regards to who I am intimate with, which is something I had held onto all of my life before and during my first serious relationship.

But I am not a monk, either, nor am I dead. There was one lady in particular at this event who impressed me enough, not just physically as an attractive woman, but with her personality and presence, to make my feeble male mind go to war with itself. If pressed at the right moment, I might have been weak-willed enough to do whatever she wanted me to. Aside from legitimate fatigue, and not really having much in common with most of the attendees, that was a big reason why I decided to leave early, and to bury myself in my music and my writing.

Now I find that I am beating myself up. Did I not just write about how much I endorsed gender equality, and how much I detested being cast into the lot of the stereotypical male, the one who only has sex on the brain? Am I beating myself up over nothing? Is it okay that it is hard to balance a healthy sexual appetite, with legitimate respect for women, while also upholding my personal standards? In my first post on this subject, I felt as though I had a firmer understanding of it, but on this particular evening, I find myself left with more questions than answers.

What I can say for sure, is that, to borrow a line from Legolas, “for me, the grief is still too near.” I can write blogs, poetry, lyrics, and music until the proverbial cows come home, with relative ease, but in social situations (outside of work) and/or dealing with women and sexuality in person, my confidence in myself is virtually non-existent. That must sound rather daft, and certainly not very “masculine,” but that’s where I stand tonight.

FIN

4 thoughts on “Gender equality and sexuality, part two

  1. I argue you are making a big deal out of nothing, but I commend you for giving this some thought. I think the question you have to ask yourself is why you wanted to have sex with that woman. Did you see her as a whole person or just an object to use for your pleasure. It sounds to me like you felt a connection to his girl. There’s nothing wrong with sex. There’s not even anything wrong with having a one night stand.

    Gender equality doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have sex as often. I think it’s more about understanding that all the genders are people, first. We can all have as much sex as we want and shouldn’t be condemned for that.

    In terms of gender equality, I don’t think you betrayed anything.

    1. What you say is completely true. I am probably overthinking the whole thing. I just feel… I don’t know if desperate is the right word, but I am definitely struggling to find a balance between the personal standards that I want to hold myself to, whilst also upholding a respect for women as human beings first and foremost, and still maintaining a healthy attitude toward sex.

      After a terrible breakup and subsequent sexual encounters that left me feeling less than confident and less than proud of myself, finding that balance is important to me.

      1. I wish I had more comfort to offer. As far as I am concerned, so long as you respect any woman you are attracted to as a human being and think no less of her when she engages in sex with you, I don’t see having sex as having to do with gender equality.

        It seems to me that your personal standards, respecting women and having a healthy attitude toward sex should be easy to balance. Having sex and/or being attracted to a woman because of how she looks isn’t wrong, after all.

      2. No, it isn’t wrong at all. It’s probably just the baggage of bad experience that makes me second guess myself. That, and my lack of understanding of social situations and ineptitude in said scenarios.

        On top of that, while there some people who don’t see it as a big deal and in fact take it in stride, throwing sex into the deal just kind of makes my head explode. Outside the construct of an official relationship, I don’t think I handle it very well. It’s a sort of, “okay, we crossed that line… now what” to me. And not everyone thinks there should be a now what. If that makes any sense.

        So I suppose it does have less to do with balancing the aforementioned ideas and ideals, than it does with my social ineptitude and lack of ability to separate sex, from a desire to be in a relationship. What a quagmire.

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