A continuation of my thoughts and musings on the nature of gender, as well as human sexuality, as seen from a very personal level.
It’s probably no big surprise that I am writing a sequel to my previous post on gender equality and human sexuality, as they are extremely broad subjects that are difficult to cover the gamut of in just one post. However, as it seems to happen with most posts that I make, very recent events in life have inspired me to write more about this topic.
A convention at which I attended recently, presented me with a stark reminder of several things. First and foremost: how absolutely helpless I am in social functions, especially ones where most or all of the attendees are people who I do not know. Now, I usually do just fine at comic-cons, Star Trek conventions, and other such related spectacles, but in “big event” gatherings that fall outside of my area of interest, ones that are more like large-scale parties where everyone knows everybody, I am a total fish out of water. Aside from the grocery store or the mall, it’s an introvert’s worst nightmare.
The second bullet point: I am challenged to uphold the ideal I declared myself to be following, in the post I made just days ago. That is, that I was going to stop reacting to the hurt and grief inflicted by the dissolution of my long term, near-marriage relationship. And that, because of said resolution, my brief and more-harm-than-good foray into sexual promiscuity was being abolished. To put it in a less pretentious way, I promised myself that I was reverting back to my older, more “conservative” stance with regards to who I am intimate with, which is something I had held onto all of my life before and during my first serious relationship.
But I am not a monk, either, nor am I dead. There was one lady in particular at this event who impressed me enough, not just physically as an attractive woman, but with her personality and presence, to make my feeble male mind go to war with itself. If pressed at the right moment, I might have been weak-willed enough to do whatever she wanted me to. Aside from legitimate fatigue, and not really having much in common with most of the attendees, that was a big reason why I decided to leave early, and to bury myself in my music and my writing.
Now I find that I am beating myself up. Did I not just write about how much I endorsed gender equality, and how much I detested being cast into the lot of the stereotypical male, the one who only has sex on the brain? Am I beating myself up over nothing? Is it okay that it is hard to balance a healthy sexual appetite, with legitimate respect for women, while also upholding my personal standards? In my first post on this subject, I felt as though I had a firmer understanding of it, but on this particular evening, I find myself left with more questions than answers.
What I can say for sure, is that, to borrow a line from Legolas, “for me, the grief is still too near.” I can write blogs, poetry, lyrics, and music until the proverbial cows come home, with relative ease, but in social situations (outside of work) and/or dealing with women and sexuality in person, my confidence in myself is virtually non-existent. That must sound rather daft, and certainly not very “masculine,” but that’s where I stand tonight.